THINGS JAPANESE: Omiai and Compa

The age at which people get married in Japan is rising as in most countries, but the pressure on Japanese women to marry is particularly intense. So friends, relatives and parents (particularly more traditionally-minded elderly relatives) will be on the lookout for suitable partners for anyone who is of marriageable age. Omiai and compa are two of the ways in which this is institutionalized in Japan. Omiai is basically a blind date between two people who want to get married (or whose parents want them to get married), while compa is a gathering of two groups that don't know each other, and individuals then pair off with people that they find interesting from the other group.

Even today, omiai (written with the kanji for "see" and "fitting, suitable") is still practiced, but not nearly as much as it used to be. Originally, women had virtually no choice, often being unable to refuse a husband - just 70 or 80 years ago many people would marry according to their parents' wishes. Today, few would allow themselves to be pressured into a marriage that they didn't want, while many would still go to an omiai to keep parents happy. The main reason for the decline in omiai seems to be the far greater social freedom enjoyed by women. Today, one male Japanese friend claims, women choose husbands and men are simply too timid to refuse. Debatable, but...an element of truth somewhere in there?

The format of a traditional omiai is fairly simple but fixed:

Friends from work, home, family, etc will tell you if they have a friend they think you might like. The couple exchange photos. If they want to, they arrange a meeting through the mutual friend at a hotel, special meeting hall or other formal location. Everyone is together and presents resumes, details of themselves and talks for about ten to fifteen minutes. The parents and mediator then leave, and the couple talks alone for as long as they like. Everyone goes home, and then each contacts the mutual friend if they would like to arrange another meeting. Or more often than not, doesn't.

"Compa", according to one source, was less common fifteen years ago. It may have originated as a means for students to get to know each other and to meet people from other clubs and universities, being largely an informal gathering of several people, but always an even number (half male, half female). As people rebelled against the strict format of the omiai, it seems that compa became more popular since it is so informal and doesn't involve parents, overtaking omiai as a means of finding a potential spouse.

Omiai are now also arranged by companies - you can even find potential dates and make appointments by iMode, the internet function on mobile phones, and see photos, search for people by appearance, hobbies, job, salary, etc. One female Japanese friend thinks that because women now feel that they have more control over their own lives in Japan, they can now use the compa or omiai system to find potential husbands. Also, she suggests, a growing number of career women who have less time to socialize outside work are finding the system increasingly useful. Hence the recent increase in omiai companies and weddings through omiai. Not so much a return to traditional values, but adapting Japanese traditions to modern circumstances.

So, in the true spirit of investigative journalism, when a friend asked if I would take part in a compa, I agreed. We met after work, leapt into his Porsche and sped to the Italian restaurant where we had arranged to meet a group of three friends. We had never met any of them before, but knew that they were all about the same age as us and also their names. One of them was a friend of a friend of a friend, so we had a vague connection.

We arrived late because of heavy traffic, but fortunately they hadn't given up. One had cancelled, so there were just four of us. The restaurant was excellent but the waiters only knew "grazie" and "buonasera" in barely recognizable Italian. A bit like my Japanese. After general introductions, we chatted politely about various things, discovered I had forgotten too much Italian and the waiter's wouldn't understand a word anyway, and then started to discover an amazing amount in common. One of the two was the cousin of one of the teachers at Yamasa, where both of us work. She also knew one of the Yamasa students, who, it seems, meets her fairly regularly at the local flower shop where she works. Suspicious in itself. The other was also a friend of a friend of a friend - a previous classmate from Yamasa - and was going to see meet him the next day at the same time that I had planned to call him. We also played the same instrument at school - although she was now a professional musician and I gave up after 2 lessons.

With too much in common, we realized it was a set-up ran for the Porsche...